Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
