can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
