I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
