from now on my penis is your penis
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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