My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
