So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
