I wish I could teleport
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
