his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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