So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
