Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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