i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
People in love make me want to vomit
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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