Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
