woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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