someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize