New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
