Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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