Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
