just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
