It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
