Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
