Define "chronic" masturbator.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
