imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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