I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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