My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
