I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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