even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
