I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
