There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
