My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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