The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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