So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
