i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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