I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
