I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
