i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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