Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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