I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
