why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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