someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
