Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
