Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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