I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
