Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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