he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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