Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Someone came in the potted fern
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I did not marry a roomba.
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