rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize