Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize