You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
