It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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