I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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