someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
