You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize