I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
