I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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