Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
