You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize