I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
