I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
