I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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