wrigley field is MILF paradise
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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