Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
