My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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