I puked a lego.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
