I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
my liver is dry heaving
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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